When I decided to challenge myself and step out of my comfort zone with a weekly blog post, I never took into consideration that I would hit weeks when my emotions would be at an all-time high which would not allow me to release a post. The last few weeks have been kind of wonky for me. While I may type this blog without a game plan of where I'm going with it, I wanted to type as my emotions were raw and real. Some may write better when they are going through an increase of emotions, I am probably the opposite because I am not exactly sure how to execute my point across without first letting my emotions settle. So in the meantime, I typed and deleted until I was ready to release.
Knowing me personally is knowing happiness, even on a bad day. It is knowing that every problem has a solution, and every roadblock doesn’t restrict me from jumping on the sidewalk to find a way. Truth is, something just seems different lately. Partially, I feel like it is exhaustion. It is that simple, I am burnt out. My mind goes a thousand miles per minute, my daily agenda is nonstop and I take everyone's stress as my own to avoid them feeling the burden. To add more to my plate, instead of going to bed early I do the complete opposite. There is a reason to my late bedtime madness. You see, I can’t possibly go to sleep as soon as the kids are in bed because I am only wasting quiet time to myself.
But what is truly off about me? I’m not sure if it has to do with my birthday milestone a few months ago, or my body saying I need to slow down. Somehow this time feels different. 'I' feel different, it feels personal. I'm often questioning what the rest of my life is going to be like. Am I insane for thinking that this can't be it for the next 50+ years? Am I too late to make changes? Am I hitting an age crisis? Hell! I am not calling it a midlife crisis because I am too 'young' and too 'fly' for that term. One thing for sure is I feel like I’m going through life not growing through life. Days are becoming routines and weeks are going by too fast for my liking.
One thing for sure, I wouldn’t change my life with my boys. As crazy as my long days are, I am ok with the back and forth from field to field. I can genuinely say I love my days watching them play. Realistically I know there is an expiration time to baseball years so for now I will change from high heels to flip flops after work, throw my hair in a bun head to the next game destination and soak it all in.
What I’m referring to is life, goals, future, expectations and anything else ahead. We often get so lost in our kids that we forget we are individuals as well. With the end of another school year, I now have one kid who is headed to be a senior which means having his drivers license, college applications, essays, and craziness ahead. Now my youngest, he is my sour patch kid, the homebody who is starting high school at a different district than my oldest; why would things be simpler. Needless to say, shit just got real.
As far as relationships do we invest so much in our kids that we lose sight of our own partners? Do we forget how to be a couple? How can people expect for you to be the same person you were when you started your relationship 20 years ago? Is it just me, or is this normal to all? Silly arguments happen more often than not. Has he always left his socks on the floor? WAIT A MINUTE, when was the last time just the two of us went out? I don't mean to the boys games or family events, I mean just us two. Putting worries behind, no discussion on bills, not talking about work. If I am going to tell you how I feel, trust and believe I will be real. No sugar coating, no keeping up with the Joneses. I became a young mom, not 15 young (no judgement, my hat off to anyone who did) but 22 that is still way young to know what you want in life. So at 40, my relationship is not what it was 20 years ago. Is this what is causing my crisis? Love will always be there especially when you have created a family. What I am referring to is what do you do when two became one and and then created two more but you lose sight of how it all began.
When I sit and wonder what's causing all this is, my mind starts thinking what about Kat? What am I doing for me? Going back to school was undoubtedly one of my best choices which I'm almost done with, but then what? I graduate and will still be at my current job. Yes, with a lot of growth potential and loving what I do which is a plus; but what’s next?
I am a true believer that we must go through stages in life. As kids we think we know it all. We don’t need anyone to give us advice, or show us the way. Then adulthood hits and the check engine light starts to go on and it is now time to tune up your version of reality. It is time to figure out what we need to do to make our lives more meaningful. Know when it is time to regroup. I mean really hit that reset button and try to figure out what needs fixing, what needs an upgrade and what needs to go. Things I had tolerance for I’m now not as flexible for. But it's not being moody or grumpy or old per say. It’s more of life saying alright girl get it together. Are you going to be a passenger and watch everyone’s dreams come to reality or are you jumping on that driver seat and heading to your true destination to make your dreams come true.
Someone once told me that when you reach your forties you gain a different perspective on life and start to feel liberated. While I did not know what they meant, I am now starting to see they were not wrong. Looking back I regret nothing because it has molded me into this version of me. I have experienced amazing things that I am absolutely thankful for. Looking forward, I know I can do better, accomplish bigger, and experience more. Life gives us the option of taking a risk or losing the chance, and one thing about me is I do not like to lose. Whatever may be ahead for me I’m ready for. But one thing that I can be sure of is that the best version of me is yet to come, and I am ready to reveal it. So, maybe the crazy emotions are normal. Maybe we are meant to go through this roller coaster. What we don't realize is that the goal is to close our eyes, enjoy the ride and find out why, our why, our purpose.
Comments